Sarah’s mom called again. “Honey, can’t you just take a week off? You sound exhausted.” Sarah, a senior software engineer, tried to explain the sprint deadline, the production bug, the fact that “taking time off” in tech isn’t simple. Her mom sighed. “I just don’t understand why this job is so stressful. You sit at a computer all day.” Sarah hung up feeling more alone than before the call.
If you’re reading this, you probably love someone in tech who’s struggling with their mental health. Maybe it’s your child, your partner, your sibling, or your best friend. You want to help, but you don’t fully understand their world. Why does a job working with computers cause so much stress? Why can’t they just switch companies or take a break? Why do they seem so anxious about things that sound minor to you?
This guide is for you: the parents, partners, siblings, and friends who want to support someone in tech but don’t know where to start. You don’t need to understand code. You just need to understand what matters.
Understanding Tech Culture: What You Need to Know
Before you can truly support your loved one, you need to understand the unique pressures they face. Tech isn’t like most industries.
The Always-On Expectation
Your loved one probably has Slack, email, and monitoring apps on their phone. When something breaks at 2 AM, they get paged. When a coworker messages on Sunday, they feel pressure to respond. The boundary between work and life has eroded to the point where it barely exists. Tech companies often promote unlimited vacation while creating cultures where nobody actually takes time off. They offer flexible hours while expecting availability at all hours. Your loved one might feel guilty for logging off at 5 PM, even though that’s a standard workday in most fields.
Imposter Syndrome Is Universal
Nearly every developer battles imposter syndrome. The field changes so rapidly that yesterday’s expert feels outdated today. Your accomplished loved one might genuinely believe they’re faking it, that any day someone will discover they don’t really know what they’re doing. When they dismiss your praise or seem unable to celebrate their achievements, this is why. It’s not false modesty. It’s a pervasive feeling of inadequacy that plagues even senior engineers.
The Mental Load Is Enormous
Writing code isn’t like writing an email. It requires holding complex systems in your mind simultaneously, tracking dozens of interdependent pieces, and maintaining intense focus for hours. When your loved one seems mentally exhausted after “just sitting at a computer,” understand that their brain has been running at full capacity all day. The exhaustion is real and cognitive, not physical. When they can’t immediately switch gears to social activities after work, they’re not being difficult. They’re mentally depleted.
Failure Is Public and Permanent
When a developer’s code causes a bug, it often gets tracked in systems that the whole company can see. Code reviews mean their work is constantly scrutinized by peers. Mistakes can affect millions of users and cost companies millions of dollars. The pressure of this visibility compounds stress significantly. Add to this the culture of blameless postmortems where in theory no one is blamed for outages, but in practice everyone knows who deployed the problematic code.
The Layoff Cycle
Tech has normalized mass layoffs. Your loved one probably knows multiple people who’ve been laid off suddenly, sometimes after years of excellent performance. This creates constant background anxiety. Even at stable companies, developers watch the news nervously, wondering if their team is next. This isn’t paranoia; it’s realistic assessment of industry patterns.
graph LR
A[Unique Tech Stressors] --> B[Always-On Culture]
A --> C[Rapid Change]
A --> D[High Visibility]
A --> E[Job Insecurity]
B --> F[24/7 on-call duty]
B --> G[Weekend work expected]
B --> H[No true disconnect]
C --> I[Constant learning required]
C --> J[Skills become outdated]
C --> K[Imposter syndrome]
D --> L[Public code reviews]
D --> M[Tracked mistakes]
D --> N[Impact on millions]
E --> O[Sudden layoffs]
E --> P[Unstable funding]
E --> Q[Constant anxiety]
style A fill:#e1f5ff
style B fill:#fff3cd
style C fill:#fff3cd
style D fill:#fff3cd
style E fill:#fff3cdRecognizing When Your Loved One Needs Help
Mental health conditions don’t always look dramatic. Your loved one might be struggling even if they seem mostly functional. Here’s what to watch for.
Changes in Behavior
Notice shifts from their baseline, not just whether they seem “bad enough.” If your normally social loved one has stopped seeing friends, that matters. If your organized partner suddenly can’t keep track of appointments, that’s significant. If your loved one who always enjoyed cooking now orders takeout every night, pay attention. Withdrawing from activities they once enjoyed often signals depression. Avoiding social situations might indicate anxiety. Sudden angry outbursts from a typically calm person could reflect mounting stress or underlying conditions.
Sleep and Eating Patterns
Sleep disturbances are early warning signs for many mental health conditions. If your loved one sleeps much more or much less than usual, take note. Sleeping during the day and staying up all night coding might seem like tech culture, but it often indicates depression or anxiety. Changes in appetite, whether eating much more or barely eating, similarly signal problems. Don’t dismiss these as just “forgetting to eat” when deep in code.
Physical Symptoms
Mental health problems manifest physically. Watch for frequent headaches, stomach problems, muscle tension, or a general decline in physical health. If your loved one seems constantly sick or exhausted despite adequate sleep, mental health might be the root cause.
Work Changes
If your loved one starts working excessive hours, that might seem dedicated but could indicate anxiety-driven perfectionism. Conversely, if they suddenly seem disengaged from work they once cared about, that’s concerning. Missing deadlines, making uncharacteristic mistakes, or talking about work with unusual negativity are all red flags.
Substance Use
Be alert to increases in alcohol consumption, especially if they’re drinking alone or using alcohol to cope with stress. The same applies to cannabis use or any other substance they turn to for relief. What starts as occasional stress relief can quickly become a problematic pattern.
Expressions of Hopelessness
Listen for phrases like “I can’t do this anymore,” “Nothing I do matters,” or “Everyone would be better off without me.” These aren’t just venting. These are cries for help. If your loved one talks about death or suicide even casually, take it seriously. Always.
What NOT to Say
Your intentions are good, but some common responses can make things worse. Here’s what to avoid.
“Just take a vacation!” Taking time off doesn’t fix mental illness. It’s like telling someone with diabetes to take a vacation. The condition will be waiting when they return. Additionally, many developers feel unable to take vacation due to work pressure or guilt.
“You’re so lucky to have such a cushy job.” High salaries and perks don’t prevent mental illness. If anything, the pressure to be grateful for “such a good job” can make it harder to acknowledge struggles.
“Just switch companies!” Job searching is exhausting when you’re mentally healthy. When depressed or anxious, it can feel impossible. Plus, the problems often exist across the industry, not just at one company.
“Everyone gets stressed.” Yes, but not everyone has a mental health condition. Minimizing their experience doesn’t help. Clinical depression isn’t “being stressed.” Anxiety disorders aren’t “normal worry.”
“You just need to exercise/eat better/think positive.” These things can help but aren’t cures. You wouldn’t tell someone with a broken leg to just think positive thoughts. Mental illness requires professional treatment, not just lifestyle changes.
“Why are you so anxious? Everything’s fine!” Anxiety doesn’t need a rational reason. It’s a disorder, not a logical response to circumstances. Pointing out that everything is objectively fine doesn’t help.
“I wish you’d told me sooner.” This makes them feel guilty for not confiding in you. They were probably struggling to understand it themselves or feared your reaction.
“Have you tried not being on your phone so much?” For many developers, being offline isn’t optional. Their job requires connectivity. This comment minimizes their reality and sounds dismissive.
What TO Say and Do
Now let’s focus on helpful responses that actually support your loved one.
Listen Without Trying to Fix
Sometimes people just need to be heard. When your loved one shares their struggles, resist the urge to immediately offer solutions. Instead, try: “That sounds really hard. Thank you for telling me,” or “I’m here to listen whenever you need to talk,” or “That must be exhausting. How can I support you?”
Silence is okay. Sitting with someone in their pain without rushing to fix it shows profound support.
Ask How You Can Help
Don’t assume you know what they need. Ask directly and offer specific options. Instead of “Let me know if you need anything,” try “Would it help if I picked up groceries this week?” or “I could cook dinner for you. What sounds good?” or “Do you want company, or would you prefer some alone time?”
Specific offers work better because they don’t require the person to figure out what they need or to ask for help, both of which can be difficult when struggling.
Maintain Normal Connection
Don’t make every conversation about their mental health. They’re still the person you love, not just someone with a condition. Keep sharing memes, talking about movies, or discussing everyday things. This normalcy matters.
At the same time, don’t pretend nothing’s wrong. Find the balance between acknowledging their struggle and not defining them by it.
Learn About Their Condition
If your loved one has a specific diagnosis, educate yourself. Read reputable sources like NAMI, Mental Health America, or peer-reviewed articles. Understanding what they’re experiencing shows you care and helps you provide better support.
Don’t share everything you learn with them or constantly suggest things you’ve read. Use your knowledge to understand, not to advise.
Respect Their Treatment Choices
Whether they’re in therapy, taking medication, or pursuing other treatments, support their choices even if you don’t fully understand them. Don’t push them toward treatments you’ve heard about or pressure them to try things they’ve already decided against.
If you have concerns about their treatment, express them gently and once. Then respect their decision.
Help with Practical Things
Depression and anxiety make everyday tasks feel overwhelming. Offering practical help removes barriers: “I’m going to the store. What do you need?” not “Do you need anything from the store?”; doing their laundry when you do yours; handling phone calls they’re avoiding, like scheduling appointments; or sitting with them while they tackle dreaded tasks.
Don’t take over their life, but remove some friction from daily living.
Be Patient with the Process
Recovery isn’t linear. Your loved one will have good days and bad days. Progress might be slow. Setbacks will happen. Keep showing up anyway. Your consistency matters more than you know.
graph LR
A[Supporting Your Loved One] --> B[Emotional Support]
A --> C[Practical Support]
A --> D[Long-term Support]
B --> E[Listen without fixing]
B --> F[Validate feelings]
B --> G[Maintain connection]
C --> H[Help with tasks]
C --> I[Reduce daily friction]
C --> J[Attend appointments]
D --> K[Be patient]
D --> L[Stay consistent]
D --> M[Expect setbacks]
E --> N[Stronger Relationship]
F --> N
G --> N
H --> N
I --> N
J --> N
K --> N
L --> N
M --> N
style A fill:#e1f5ff
style B fill:#d4edda
style C fill:#d4edda
style D fill:#d4edda
style N fill:#f8d7daHandling Specific Situations
When They’re Resistant to Help
Your loved one might not want to seek treatment. This is frustrating but common. Mental illness can impair insight into the need for help. Don’t force it, but keep the door open. Express your concern once clearly, then let it sit. You might say “I’ve noticed you’ve been struggling, and I’m worried. I think talking to someone could help. I’m here to support you if you decide to do that.”
Then drop it and focus on being supportive in other ways. Many people need time to come to the decision themselves. If the situation becomes dangerous, seek guidance from mental health professionals about intervention options.
During a Mental Health Crisis
If your loved one is in immediate danger of harming themselves or others, call 988 (the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline) or emergency services. Stay with them if safe to do so. Remove access to means of self-harm if possible. Don’t leave them alone. After the immediate crisis, help them connect with professional support. This might mean driving them to appointments, helping them find a therapist, or supporting them through hospitalization if needed.
When Work Is the Problem
If your loved one’s job is severely impacting their mental health, you might want to tell them to just quit. Resist this urge. Job decisions are complex, especially in tech where compensation is often high and health insurance is tied to employment. Instead, support them in exploring options: Can they talk to their manager about workload? Are there internal team transfers possible? Would taking medical leave help? Could reducing hours temporarily provide relief?
If they do decide to leave, support that decision without judgment. Don’t worry about the financial implications if they have savings. Mental health is more important than job prestige or salary.
When They Seem to Be Improving, Then Relapse
Setbacks are part of recovery. When your loved one seems better and then has a bad period again, don’t panic or express disappointment. Mental health recovery isn’t a straight line. Continue being supportive just as you were before. Avoid saying “I thought you were doing better.” They’re probably disappointed enough without your added concern.
Taking Care of Yourself
Supporting someone with mental illness is emotionally taxing. You need support too.
Set Boundaries
You can love someone and still need limits. It’s okay to say “I can’t talk about this right now, but let’s connect tomorrow” or “I need some time to myself today.” Setting boundaries doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you sustainable.
Find Your Own Support
Consider joining a support group for family members. NAMI offers Family Support Groups specifically for loved ones of people with mental illness. Talking to others who understand can be incredibly validating. You might also benefit from your own therapy. Having a space to process your feelings, frustrations, and fears helps you show up better for your loved one.
Maintain Your Own Life
Don’t let your entire life become about their mental health. Keep seeing your friends, pursuing your hobbies, and doing things that bring you joy. This isn’t selfish. It’s necessary. You cannot pour from an empty cup.
Recognize What You Can and Cannot Control
You cannot fix their mental illness. You cannot make them get help if they’re not ready. You cannot love them into wellness. What you can do is show up consistently, offer support, and be a stable presence. Sometimes that has to be enough.
For Parents of Adult Children in Tech
Parents face unique challenges when their adult child struggles with mental health.
Respect their autonomy: They’re adults making their own decisions about treatment, work, and life. Offer support without trying to take over.
Don’t blame yourself: Mental illness isn’t caused by parenting failures. It results from complex biological, psychological, and environmental factors.
Avoid comparing them to siblings or peers: “Your brother never had these problems” or “Your friend from college is doing so well” causes shame without helping.
Offer practical support they’ll actually use: Instead of money that enables avoiding the problem, offer to pay for therapy directly. Instead of telling them to move home, help them maintain independence with appropriate support.
For Partners of Developers
Being in a relationship with someone who has a mental health condition brings specific challenges.
Their mental health isn’t your responsibility: You can support them, but you cannot fix them. Don’t sacrifice your own mental health trying to save theirs.
Maintain couple identity beyond the illness: You’re partners, not patient and caregiver. Make time for connection that isn’t focused on their mental health.
Communicate about needs: Be honest about what you need from the relationship. Mental illness explains behavior but doesn’t excuse mistreatment.
Know when to walk away: If the relationship is damaging your mental health despite their willingness to work on things, it’s okay to leave. You’re not abandoning them. You’re choosing yourself.
Resources for Loved Ones
NAMI Family-to-Family: A free 8-session educational program for family members, partners, and friends of people living with mental illness. Provides information, support, and coping strategies.
NAMI Family Support Groups: Peer-led support groups for loved ones of people with mental illness. Available virtually and in-person nationwide.
Mental Health America Resources: Comprehensive guides for family members on recognizing warning signs, starting conversations, and finding treatment.
Crisis Resources: 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline available 24/7 for both individuals in crisis and concerned loved ones seeking guidance.
Open Sourcing Mental Illness: While focused on tech workers themselves, OSMI’s resources help family members understand tech-specific mental health challenges.
Final Thoughts
Remember Sarah’s mom from the beginning? Six months after that frustrating phone call, she took NAMI’s Family-to-Family course. She learned about the specific pressures of tech work and how depression manifests differently in everyone. The next time Sarah called stressed, her mom said, “That sounds exhausting. I know you’re managing a lot. How can I help?”
Sarah cried. “Thank you for trying to understand.” That shift mattered more than her mom realized. Feeling understood made Sarah feel less alone.
You don’t need to become an expert on tech culture or mental health conditions. You just need to show up with compassion, patience, and consistency. Learn what you can. Listen more than you speak. Offer help without judgment. Take care of yourself so you can be there for the long haul.
Your loved one is still the same person you’ve always known. They’re just going through something hard. Being in their corner, even when you don’t fully understand, makes a difference. Some days it might not feel like you’re helping. But you are. Keep showing up. Keep being patient. Keep loving them.
That consistency is the greatest gift you can give.
References and Resources
- National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI): “Family Members and Caregivers”: https://www.nami.org/your-journey/family-members-and-caregivers/
- NAMI California: “Helping Support Someone with a Mental Health Condition: Guide for Families and Friends”: https://namica.org/blog/guide-for-families-and-caregivers/
- American Psychiatric Association: “Helping a Loved One Cope with Mental Illness”: https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/helping-a-loved-one-cope-with-mental-illness
- Mental Health America: “Recognize and support loved ones with mental health conditions”: https://mhanational.org/resources/mental-illness-and-the-family-recognizing-warning-signs-and-how-to-cope/
- SAMHSA: “How to Talk About Mental Health – Friends and Family Members”: https://www.samhsa.gov/mental-health/what-is-mental-health/how-to-talk/friends-and-family
- Mind.org.uk: “Helping someone with a mental health problem”: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/mental-health-problems-introduction/for-friends-family/
- InfoQ: “Supporting Mental Health in the Tech Workplace” (2019): https://www.infoq.com/articles/mental-health-tech-workplace/
- Open Sourcing Mental Illness (OSMI): https://osmihelp.org/
- 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988
